Man Swine Flu

The day after my Bondi to Coogee Cliffwalk/free pub crawl, I was a bit hung over. My original plans for the day were cancelled last minute, so I decided instead to catch up on some much needed writing and laundry. I was feeling ok for most the day, but by mid-afternoon, I started feeling really weird. My limbs felt disconnected from my body, my heart was racing like crazy, and I had a very floaty feeling in my head. Someone noticed me looking funnier than usual at the hostel and asked what was up. I described how I felt and she just replied.

"Ah, that's just goon fever! I had that for a whole week once! Have a couple glasses of wine, it'll go away...until tomorrow."

Randos at hostels always have the best medical advice, but I didn't know it at the time. I ignored his hair-of-the-dog suggestion. It kept getting worse and worse, until I really started getting worried. I chugged a liter of water, then headed to a restaurant to get some dinner. After a block of walking, my legs became jelly. My head was spinning. I stabilized myself against a wall to get my balance back: this definitely was not a hangover.

I started freaking out, I just knew my heart was not pumping enough blood to my body. I hailed a cab, headed to the nearest ER and told the triage nurse what was happening.

She took my pulse and blood pressure, found nothing abnormal, but ran an EKG just in case.

"Sir, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You can see a doctor if you want, but I'd say just go to bed. Maybe breathe into a paper bag if symptoms continue."

Suddenly, all my mystery heart symptoms disappeared, I could feel my legs fine, my heart rate dropped to normal. It was obvious what had happened: anxiety attack brought on by merely being tired and a bit hungover. I felt like a total boob going to the ER for only having drank six beers the night before.

If only this was my only trip to that ER.

I awoke two days later with a bit a cold. It wasn't bad or anything, but I knew it was just the day one symptoms. Under normal circumstances, I would think nothing of it, but I was moving on, heading back to Broken Hill. Again, normally, I wouldn't care at all about taking a cold to Broken Hill. The previous week though, I was in Victoria, heart of the Swine Flu epidemic. Let me preface this by saying, I did not think I had Swine Flu! But since I didn't want to be known in Broken Hill as "That damned Yank who gave us all Swine Flu," so I felt it was duty to at least talk to medical professional to see if I should get tested.

I went back to the hospital, but avoided the triage nurse...I didn't want to show my face there again. Instead, I went to the hospital's front desk, told my situation and was given nothing helpful back.

"Well I don't know if you should get tested. Just go next door to the triage nurse!"

I felt the panic attack symptoms start before doing some deep breaths as I walked to the place where I'd been so embarrassed two days before.Thankfully, I did not see the kind nurse who had helped me two days earlier. I started explaining the situation again and upon saying "Sw...", there was a face mask thrust into my hands before I even brought my lower lip to my top teeth to start the "F". After I finished talking, she stared at me impatiently.

"Do you have a high fever?"

"Nope."

"Have you been in contact with anybody with a confirmed case of Swine Flu?"

"Nobody confirmed. I was just in Victoria and Melbourne last week, I've been doing lots of touring, so I've been in contact with lots of people."

"Why do you think you have Swine Flu?"

"I don't think I have swine flu! I just want to find out if I have reason to get tested before travelling on to a new place with no confirmed cases."

It was at that moment the nurse from the other night walked in. "Oh, hello sir. Feeling a bit better today?"

The other agitated nurse asked, "Ah, so you were here before! Why did you come in for that time?"

I quietly mumbled, "panic attack."

The nurse rolled not only her eyes, but her entire head in a giant orbit, until they stopped back on me, much angrier than when their journey started, "If you want, I can treat you like a potential swine flu case. We'll put you in quarantine for a while until the tests show clean, but I reckon you'll be OK. If you get a fever, call us."

I couldn't leave town quick enough.